Should Parents Feel Guilty About Guilt?
How many times have we heard our children or other’s say, “Why are you making me feel guilty?” or you should not ‘guilt’ your child into doing something. Well, is guilt really a bad thing? Should children not feel guilty? Is it, as some people suggest, a purely manipulative strategy to get what we want others to do?
After doing some research and thinking about this issue, I’ve come to understand that there are three different kinds of guilt. There is Healthy Guilt, which is our inner emotional warning system. Most people learn during their normal childhood social development that certain things are considered right and wrong. It is part of the socialization process that makes us understand social norms and expectations when living in any community. This guilt is our social conscious and alerts us that our decisions or behavior may be inconsistent with our values or morals. It hopefully prompts us to re-examine our behavior. Acknowledging your mistake, apologizing where appropriate and devising a strategy to try and not repeat that act is a very healthy way to respond to guilt. This guilt is not a bad thing. We all have lapses in judgment or make mistakes. Healthy guilt focuses on the behavior that needs to be addressed or specific issue that needs to be resolved or corrected. It also means that we are holding ourselves up to a certain standard, values or morals that are important to us. This is different from the feeling of shame, because people who feel shame are evaluating themselves as bad—not just their actions. For example, if you feel bad for stealing a candy bar, that would be a feeling of guilt. However, if you feel bad for being a thief, that would be a feeling of shame. Both of these feelings – guilt and shame - can help people to have a better social conscience by caring about how their actions affect other people. In fact, people who never feel guilt and remorse are considered mentally ill.
However, when there is ongoing remorse or self-loathing that is generalized than this is no longer healthy and could lead to a downward spiral of self-esteem. This form of guilt is referred to as Unhealthy or Toxic. It not only causes stress and depression, but also serves to distance us from our communities rather than allow us to function more effectively within them. Unhealthy guilt isn’t based in fact or rationality. It is when people feel guilty for situation they did not cause or can’t control. Unhealthy Guilt is ofen based upon feelings of unworthiness that a person has been conditioned to feel by being told they are never good enough, unwanted or unloved, or continually being humiliated or neglected.They want everything to be perfect, including themselves. They feel responsible for everyone and everything. If it snows – it’s their fault. If someone else does something wrong – it’s their fault. They are usually control freaks who may also feel they are continually victimized. Unchecked Unhealthy Guilt can lead to behavioral extremes such as excessive or obsessive patterns (excessive hand washing, housecleaning, forms of eating disorders, etc.) and isolates the individual. Pervasive Unhealthy Guilt and shame are also associated which chronic depression.
The third type of guilt is known as False Guilt which has nothing to do with what's true, nor is it related to feeling repentant or remorseful. Rather, it is usually the fear of disapproval in disguise. Feeling guilty becomes a conditioned response, not an authentic emotion. google_protectAndRun("render_ads.js::google_render_ad", google_handleError, google_render_ad); Victims of all forms of abuse (sexual, physical and mental) and of violent crimes often have False Guilt. They may feel they were somehow at fault for what has happened and accept the blame. “I shouldn’t have been walking home alone” or “ I should have had his dinner ready on time.” These are the conditioned responses that have been learned and this way of thinking may continue long after the abuse or incident. However, it is really covering genuine and much deeper feelings of anger and rage that may be more frightening to confront. The person becomes overcome with fear of doing something wrong or making a wrong decision. He or she may be over sensitive to other people’s beliefs and comments. Guilt becomes the ‘go to’ emotion rather than other emotions that feel less controllable, less socially acceptable, or even less familiar.
Unhealthy and False guilt are serious issues that need to be addressed by mental health professionals and can be debilitating. Although all of us may be able to relate in some way to these forms of guilt, when these feelings become the normal state of existence for a person and undermine a healthy and happy life, it becomes self-destructive and limits a person’s potential.
Healthy guilt; teaching a child to have a moral conscious and holding them up to a standard of behavior that will allow them to lead a healthy and constructive life, is the obligation of every parent. A strong sense of social responsibility which is based in empathy and the belief that we need to be accountable for all our actions (and understand that all our actions have consequences) actually is the foundation of high self-esteem and empowers us by knowing that we matter in the world. So next time your child asks, “Why are you making me feel guilty?”, your response should be “because it’s my job as a good parent.”
How many times have we heard our children or other’s say, “Why are you making me feel guilty?” or you should not ‘guilt’ your child into doing something. Well, is guilt really a bad thing? Should children not feel guilty? Is it, as some people suggest, a purely manipulative strategy to get what we want others to do?
After doing some research and thinking about this issue, I’ve come to understand that there are three different kinds of guilt. There is Healthy Guilt, which is our inner emotional warning system. Most people learn during their normal childhood social development that certain things are considered right and wrong. It is part of the socialization process that makes us understand social norms and expectations when living in any community. This guilt is our social conscious and alerts us that our decisions or behavior may be inconsistent with our values or morals. It hopefully prompts us to re-examine our behavior. Acknowledging your mistake, apologizing where appropriate and devising a strategy to try and not repeat that act is a very healthy way to respond to guilt. This guilt is not a bad thing. We all have lapses in judgment or make mistakes. Healthy guilt focuses on the behavior that needs to be addressed or specific issue that needs to be resolved or corrected. It also means that we are holding ourselves up to a certain standard, values or morals that are important to us. This is different from the feeling of shame, because people who feel shame are evaluating themselves as bad—not just their actions. For example, if you feel bad for stealing a candy bar, that would be a feeling of guilt. However, if you feel bad for being a thief, that would be a feeling of shame. Both of these feelings – guilt and shame - can help people to have a better social conscience by caring about how their actions affect other people. In fact, people who never feel guilt and remorse are considered mentally ill.
However, when there is ongoing remorse or self-loathing that is generalized than this is no longer healthy and could lead to a downward spiral of self-esteem. This form of guilt is referred to as Unhealthy or Toxic. It not only causes stress and depression, but also serves to distance us from our communities rather than allow us to function more effectively within them. Unhealthy guilt isn’t based in fact or rationality. It is when people feel guilty for situation they did not cause or can’t control. Unhealthy Guilt is ofen based upon feelings of unworthiness that a person has been conditioned to feel by being told they are never good enough, unwanted or unloved, or continually being humiliated or neglected.They want everything to be perfect, including themselves. They feel responsible for everyone and everything. If it snows – it’s their fault. If someone else does something wrong – it’s their fault. They are usually control freaks who may also feel they are continually victimized. Unchecked Unhealthy Guilt can lead to behavioral extremes such as excessive or obsessive patterns (excessive hand washing, housecleaning, forms of eating disorders, etc.) and isolates the individual. Pervasive Unhealthy Guilt and shame are also associated which chronic depression.
The third type of guilt is known as False Guilt which has nothing to do with what's true, nor is it related to feeling repentant or remorseful. Rather, it is usually the fear of disapproval in disguise. Feeling guilty becomes a conditioned response, not an authentic emotion. google_protectAndRun("render_ads.js::google_render_ad", google_handleError, google_render_ad); Victims of all forms of abuse (sexual, physical and mental) and of violent crimes often have False Guilt. They may feel they were somehow at fault for what has happened and accept the blame. “I shouldn’t have been walking home alone” or “ I should have had his dinner ready on time.” These are the conditioned responses that have been learned and this way of thinking may continue long after the abuse or incident. However, it is really covering genuine and much deeper feelings of anger and rage that may be more frightening to confront. The person becomes overcome with fear of doing something wrong or making a wrong decision. He or she may be over sensitive to other people’s beliefs and comments. Guilt becomes the ‘go to’ emotion rather than other emotions that feel less controllable, less socially acceptable, or even less familiar.
Unhealthy and False guilt are serious issues that need to be addressed by mental health professionals and can be debilitating. Although all of us may be able to relate in some way to these forms of guilt, when these feelings become the normal state of existence for a person and undermine a healthy and happy life, it becomes self-destructive and limits a person’s potential.
Healthy guilt; teaching a child to have a moral conscious and holding them up to a standard of behavior that will allow them to lead a healthy and constructive life, is the obligation of every parent. A strong sense of social responsibility which is based in empathy and the belief that we need to be accountable for all our actions (and understand that all our actions have consequences) actually is the foundation of high self-esteem and empowers us by knowing that we matter in the world. So next time your child asks, “Why are you making me feel guilty?”, your response should be “because it’s my job as a good parent.”
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