The Fear Factor

All children (and adults, of course) have fears. Fear is our internal warning system. It is a built-in survival mechanism that nature has provided us. But as all warning systems, it is meant to alert us of possible dangers so that we can pay attention, assess the situation, take proper precautions, and respond appropriately. It should trigger a process, not necessarily elicit an immediate and extreme reaction. Fear should be seen as a tool, not as a prison or something we have no control over. Teaching children to view fear in this way is a critical aspect of building resiliency in them, providing them with the skills necessary to feel they have control in their lives. This is an essential factor for building self-esteem. But where do we start?

1. Assure children that fear is natural and normal. They should never be shamed for feeling fear or expressing a fear.
2. Fears are usually progressively more overwhelming through negative talk and self-talk; children and/or parents/friends imagining worst outcomes lack of control, reinforcing a sense of helplessness.
3. Talk to children calmly and openly about their fears – Why are they afraid? What do they think will happen?
4. Provide them information about the source of their fears. For example, if they are afraid of storms, dogs, getting lost, etc. – explore the topic with them. The more information they have, the more confidence children have to confront their fears.
5. Create a plan with them as to how they can overcome or deal with their fear. If they are afraid of dogs, take them to a controlled environment where they can safely meet some puppies. Teach them how to safely approach dogs or what to do if a dog approaches them. When a dog approaches, model the behavior.
6. Do not associate the fear with your child, integrating it into his/her identity and validating the fear as normal. For example, a person walks by with a dog and your child begins to cry. Do not respond by asking the person to remove the dog and explain that little Johnny is afraid of dogs. What your child hears is that his fear of the dog is the unchangeable factor and those around him should respond appropriately. Don’t force him to approach the dog if he is not ready. Do not admonish him. Acknowledge his fear while gently reminding him how best to respond.
7. Whenever the child makes efforts to confront and manage his/her fear, praise the child. Encourage your child to recognize how managing his fear makes him feel good.
8. Reinforce the idea that he needs to be his own hero/warrior and fear is one of his powers – it is his warning system. It is to alert him, but it is his choice how to react. Whether there is a real and present danger, or a situation that does not warrant any action, there is a process to follow. Assess, choose a response, and act appropriately. (Assess, Choose, Act = ACA)

Teaching your children to manage their fears more effectively will not only allow them to deal with crises and setbacks more effectively, but to remain more positive about life. It will also make them less susceptible to over emotional responses by others, not allowing them to provoke undesired responses (thereby allowing others to have power over them – kryptonite!) It is part of the emotional toolkit necessary for to build a healthy and happy life.